“Shipyards Pier”
Deborah Stephan
Slipping from Form
Already I have forgotten how
To form an endash
An emdash
Colon and semi-colon elude me
Some conferences preclude me
Mendeley confuses me
As an emerging scholar
I cannot follow
They are now in person
Not something I
Could choose from
For my sabbatical
Attendance online
As I listen to recordings
Of others
After the fact
Of discussion
Of lectures
Of papers presented
Of the cohort that
Was mine
I look through a
Zoom glass darkly
Like a two-way mirror
I see them
They do not see me
I am not seen
And may not ever be
Published
Although a prize recipient
I feel like a
Delinquent
Having fallen off the
Academic merry-go-round
I may not be able
To regain my ground
Again
I have done it before
Like a resurrection
I have walked through
A closed door
Squeezed my way in
Found a loophole
Saw a gap
Filled out an app
And got in
Against the odds
It can be done
You are an imposter
syndromed
You foster trust
And flounder
Forlorn
Inadequate
You cannot get to
The pool alone
It must be postponed
Again
But how many
Times does it take
To finally emerge
To begin the life of accepted
Practice
To dance and be danced
With
To write and be written with
To live the dream with
To fly in the flow
And forgive and forget
With
Before flight is
Beyond this
Form forgotten
The brass ring
Taunts me
The books read and
Unread
Tempt me
The leap ahead
Terrifies me
Again.
Deborah Stephan
ShellseekerReflections 